Am I an Imposter Because I Bought a Built-Out Van?

One of the most ever-present feelings I’ve had since buying the van is guilt. You’d think it would be excitement, or nervousness, or terror (or for you city-dwellers…fear of never showering again). But nope, it’s been guilt.

That guilt is split into two parts: a) the guilt of not building out the van myself and b) the guilt of being free and mobile during a global pandemic. For today, I want to talk about the first guilt.

First, a preface. I have been battling internally the past few weeks about what methods I should be documenting my van life journeys in. Should I start a ‘Cooking in the Van’ YouTube channel? Should I write and publish a daily update on my day (this is what I ate, this is where I rode my bike, this is what broke on the van today, this is how much water I have left in my four 7-gallon tanks)? Should I write weekly articles on something introspective to me that comes up in my conscience while living in the van? Should I try to create beautiful Instagram content or document the nitty gritty?

Does anyone even care to consume the content I create? Does it matter to me if anyone consumes it or am I doing it for myself? Who do I even envision my consumers being? My close friends and family who are actively interested in my life? Acquaintances or old friends who seem to message me constantly about van life questions since I’ve started posting? Future vanlifers who are looking for inspiration and advice? I’ve gone off on a tangent a bit - but hopefully it gives you an idea of my headspace as it relates to creating any sort of content in the first place, including this post.

The main question I’ve been trying to answer is - do I tailor my content for what I consider ‘city-dwellers’ (people who receive W-2s at the end of the year, have a mortgage, and are looking at building a more traditional American life than I am) or fellow adventurers: vanlifers, international travelers, expats, and anyone else leading a less traditional life.

BACK TO THE TOPIC AT HAND!

When I’ve tried to answer that main question - I feel this deep imposter syndrome when I think of creating van life content for other van lifers for the sole reason that I didn’t build out the van myself. For my city-dwellers, that may be surprising to you, but hear me out. A huge badge of pride (at least from my point of view) of a lot of the van life community is building their own vans: deciding on a ProMaster vs. a Sprinter, choosing their layout (bed in the back with toys underneath or a double bench seat for extra seating room), choosing their amenities (bathroom? shower? kitchen? storage?), and then documenting their entire struggle through the buildout. On any vanlifer forum or message board, people typically introduce themselves by saying “Hi! My name is John and I’ve lived in my 2010 Dodge Promaster 136” for the past 18 months after spending 10 months on the build out!”

But I bought my van. Turnkey. Ready to go. Throw some clothes in it and drive away. I bought my way into this community rather than putting in the electricity (blood), floors/ceiling (sweat), and cabinets (tears) myself.

Since I’ve been traveling with my friend Abigail this past week (she built her van out herself, because she’s a fucking rockstar) I find myself demurring to her constantly on anything van life. Partly because I’ve lived in the van for a week and she’s been in her van for ~9 months. But mostly because she created her lifestyle and I purchased mine, and I don’t want any one thinking that we are equal.

I keep reminding myself that a crazy combination of world events led me to this place. If it wasn’t for COVID-19, I’d be in Thailand right now and a citizen of the world for the next 12-18 months. If it wasn’t for my corporate career and the years I spent dedicating myself to that craft, I wouldn’t have the funds to buy this van lifestyle. If I hadn’t spent the time (and thousands of dollars on therapy) to really fix the things I don’t like about myself, I wouldn’t have the gumption to live out on the road. If I didn’t grow up knowing the value of a hard day’s work, I would be too coddled to spend weeks in a row outside. If I didn’t have the friends that I do and the safety net that they provide, I wouldn’t have the courage to become essentially homeless.

So you know what? I do deserve this. Because while I bought the van, I built everything else on my own needed to live this lifestyle.

So today I stop feeling guilty of this van and associated lifestyle that I bought and start being proud of all the things I’ve done that have prepared me for this next stage that brings me so much peace. I get to live outside every single day, see the most beautiful places in the country, spend hours with friends on the road, and still keep up my insane OCD habit of organizing since I live in such a tiny space.

And as for who I’m creating content for? I’m doing it for me. If the city-dwellers love it, great. If the van life community accepts me even though I bought in to the life, great. If no one reads this at all, I’ll keep it for myself so I can look back at this beautiful section of my life.