Month 3 Vanlife Newsletter
An overall lack of human contact likely colors my experience and rightfully so – it’s the reality in the van: I’m alone, always. It’s been almost 3 months since I’ve slept in any bed except for the full-size in the van. While I haven’t been solo this entire time, the amount of solo time that I have spent in the past 3 months has been more than any other time in my life. Sure, I’ve lived alone consistently for the past 7 years – but always in a city or place with other people around. Denver, Thailand, Indonesia, Boulder, Chicago, and Fort Collins were all places that contained friends (and sometimes relationships.) Those places have bars, and friend meetups, and EDM shows, and workplace social events. The van is devoid of all human interaction save for grocery runs, gas stations, and the occasional conversation with a stranger on a trail.
At the end of 2019 I very seriously considered buying a van and spending 3 months building it out before I was to leave for Asia at the end of March. I ultimately decided against that decision for 2 main reasons: 1) at that time I was traveling to NYC almost every week for work and would have been very stressed out about the build and 2) I didn’t want to live in a van alone – I envisioned it as an adventure best shared with a future partner. Because of COVID my international plans got put on indefinite pause and I knew I didn’t want to try and extend my current work contract (or find a new one) and sign another yearlong lease. I was done with ‘normal’ life and craved my next adventure – so I got the van.
Since I had already spent a considerable amount of time envisioning what a solo life would be like in the van (and decided against it) at the end of last year – I had already put in the mental work of thinking about, analyzing, and calibrating myself to solo van life. Now, I’m extremely thankful for that time. I knew when I moved into the van that I would be very isolated and that I’d need to find other ways to fill my time so I decided to dedicate myself to outdoor adventures. During the first ~month in the van I picked out really high mileage mountain bike training rides and decided to also start trail running a little bit more seriously – I wanted to push my body hard and I was successful. I pushed my body to the point of dehydration and exhaustion because I was terrified of taking a rest day and what that rest day would do to my mind (Why do you live in a van? You haven’t talked to any real humans in days. You’re a mess. What are you going to do all day? Just lay there and play Brickbreaker? You slob. Go do something). After a reckoning day in the van where I just could NOT get out of bed I had to remind myself, for the 43,283rd time in my life, to be kind to myself - physically. Many of my close friends lean on me for emotional support and some spiritual guidance on where they should head next with their life – and my mantra is generally a variation of “be kinder to yourself” (probably because the bulk of my friends are Type A go-getters who need to chill the fuck out). Somehow, year after year, month after month, I have to tell that to myself as well. That’s lesson #1 I’ve learned in the van.
Mentally I have also learned to be kinder to myself. I’m so much more intensely tuned into my emotions and how I’m feeling because there is nothing else to occupy my brain every day. In the beginning of the van I would have a rough plan laid out for the entire week – here’s what trails I’m going to ride, here is my rest day, here is what I’m going to trail run, here is when I’m going to do strength exercises, here’s what day I’m going to do van chores (grocery shop, fill up water, propane, etc.) and that’s just not tenable for me anymore. Some days I wake up and want to absolutely crush a hard trail on my bike and be super adventurous, other days I want to wake up late, make tea, read my book, and go into town to get some service and ‘work’ on my computer for a bit, other days I want to hike – and my body and mind decide that on their own, I’m just a passenger along for the ride. And now I’ve just given into it. Last night I got to camp in Crested Butte and the tentative plan was to ride my bike today, but after I ate dinner I was still feeling tired, sunburnt, sore, and mentally depleted from spending essentially the past 2 weeks interacting with humans every single day. So I got out of bed at 1:30 pm today, packed up the van and came into town, and now I’m sitting outside at a coffee shop people watching and writing this. It feels good. Tomorrow I’ll ride my bike, but only if I feel like it.
I’ve also been processing a lot of grief that I’ve had stored up for a while now. First and foremost – I’m processing the fact that I had sketched out an international life for myself for the next couple of years and that got ripped away from me quite abruptly. I had to scramble and figure out my next move and never sat with myself and grieved for the life that I had to say goodbye to. So I’ve been dwelling on that, talking to my therapist about that, crying about that, talking with others about that, and generally feeling all the feels; it’s been really therapeutic. Secondly I am continuing to process something that I’ve been dealing with for years now: I am doing my life alone, solo, by myself. For the 4 years since I’ve been back from abroad I’ve been trying to fit a square peg in a round hole by trying to convince myself that I need a normal life – a husband, a mortgage, and miniature weekend adventures. My planned departure to live abroad for the next couple of years was me finally realizing that I’m not meant to be living a typical life here in the US – I’m meant to be out in the world, meeting new people, dealing with hard situations, eating new food, being alive, and not having kids. Since the world is not an option right now – I’m recalibrating what an alone, solo, by myself life looks like through the next couple of years of COVID and where that puts me after the virus is gone. It’s been really, really hard to wake up every day and be reminded that I can’t be out in the world right now – it’s where I belong and how I’m happiest. So I don’t yet have a happy conclusion of what I am going to do in a COVID world – I’m still feeling through it and navigating what feels right.
But overall I feel strong, and capable, and fierce, and tired, and lonely, and smart, and tan, and badass. I have really hard days where I’m definitely miserable and would pay someone to hang out with me and other days I just sit outside and meditate for hours on how insanely lucky I am to be living the life I am. So for right now, the van is an absolute perfect opportunity to see the country, spend ~14 hours a day outside, have ample time to meditate on what I want, and wait for the world to stop going insane.
Now – for the nuts and bolts, here is where I’ve been the past few months!
April 23 – May 3 – Santa Fe, NM – visiting my friends Sallie and Brian
May 4 – May 11th – Bryce Canyon, UT area – camping with my friend Abi (who also lives in her van)
May 12 – 19 – Zion, UT area – solo
May 20 – 23 – Salida, CO – camp trip with friends from the front range
May 24 – 27 – Del Norte, CO – solo
May 28 – June 6 – Santa Fe and Taos, NM – visiting my friends Sallie and Brian
June 7 – 9 – Creede, CO – solo
June 10 – 19 – Durango, Silverton, Ouray, CO area – solo
June 20 – 25 – Telluride, CO – solo
June 26 – 28 – Buena Vista, CO – camping with my friends Kyle and Becca
June 29 – July 5 – Denver, CO – visiting friends in the Denver area
July 6 – today – Buena Vista/Crested Butte, CO area
What’s coming up next?
I am meeting up with my friend Abi in the San Juans next week then slowly making my way up to Bozeman, MT. My friend Maddie is flying out to meet me for a long weekend in Montana in a few weeks then I’m going to spend about 5 weeks bouncing around Montana and Idaho (including visiting one of my close girlfriends Lisa). At the end of August / early September I am volunteering on a cattle ranch in Wyoming then I have no idea what I’ll do next! There are tentative plans with some other van life friends (Abi, Sallie, Brian) to go to Baja, Mexico for a month around November but I’m not sure if that will be viable for obvious reasons. I may head west and follow the coast slowly down to Baja through Washington, Oregon, and California? I may go back to Colorado and visit friends? I may go down to New Mexico and stay with my friends Sallie and Brian for a while? I might sell the van and move to Mexico? I might sell the van and build out a new one? I might try to get a dive job (if there are any) for the winter? I might get a job (meh….)? I don’t know what I’ll do next – and that’s just fine with me.
I want to hear from you! Whether we are best friends, you’re my family, or we haven’t spoken since high school or college I’d love to hear what you enjoy reading about, what pictures you enjoy seeing, what you like learning about van life, or just what you’re up to! Per my previous 5,336 hints, I’m lonely! I’m also putting some real thought into trying to make this *gestures vaguely* into something that could fund my travels rather than going back to consulting every few years to save money.
Maybe I write about the places I’ve been and what hikes I’ve done, where I’ve camped, what I loved and hated? I could share my knowledge of these remote places with others and potentially combine the guides into an e-book and monetize?
Maybe I start counseling others on how to chase their crazy adventure dreams? I’d have to figure out how to gain clients, how much to charge, and mostly I’m scared I’m not good enough. But my friends use me in this capacity constantly, so maybe I am helpful.
Maybe I post more often on Instagram, gain a followership, and market products that I love and use daily? Is that selling out? Do I even care if people think I’m a sellout if what I post is still authentic?
Maybe I curate some of the writing I’ve been doing about therapy, self-reflection, adventure, and what it means to be single as a 30 year old into a book? Does anyone need more depressing but inspirational shit to read in their life?
Maybe I write a short biography on each of the unique travelers I meet and post/sell that as a look into the soul of travelers across the world (whether it be van life travel, international travel, catamaran travel, or whatever else crazy thing I end up doing)?
As always – go then, there are other worlds than these.