Back in pain on Tao…

I promised an update on how the last 2 weeks of yoga teacher training went, and I will when I’m in a better headspace.

Something changed in the last few days of teacher training with my back - nothing sudden like the initial injury but slowly it crept up. While spending an hour on the uneven beach sand during our graduation ceremony, I felt my back starting to lock up / spasm and I’ve been in pretty acute pain since then (7 days ago). I somehow managed to get myself on the ferry to Tao the next day so I could come back here to “home” and wait for the pain to subside. It’s been a week and my back is increasing in pain rather than lessening. On Monday I could walk around, have lunch, drive a scooter, and watch sunset (albeit with many breaks where I would literally lay down on the ground). Yesterday I mustered up the will to walk 6 minutes to get breakfast and that left me in tears by the time I got home; I stayed in bed the rest of the day.

I have an MRI, appointment with ortho spinal doctor / surgeon, appointment with a physio, and appointment at a chiropractor lined up in Bangkok on the 19th and 20th - so I’m doing what I can to figure out the root cause, it just feels so far away. People have asked me “why don’t you go to Bangkok now?” and the brutal truth is that I don’t think I’m currently physically capable of carrying my backpack on a 3 hour ferry, getting in a taxi, waiting at the airport, taking a 90 minute flight, and catching another taxi to a hotel in Bangkok. With the way my back has been getting worse - I’m scared I won’t be able to do that 6 days from now.

So, I’m reaching out for help. If you know of a doctor that I could message / talk on the phone with to discuss this acute phase and what I’m doing right / wrong…I’d be very grateful. (Should I take muscle relaxers until the pain goes away or just the first few days? Is light exercise (walking/swimming) helpful or hurtful? Should I be on full bed rest or try to get movement in my day to get blood flowing? What is the best thing I can do? What is the worst? At what point do I evacuate myself to Bangkok for medical care, no matter the cost?)

The mental toll that this pain takes on my life is monumental. If you read my last blog post you’ll know I felt empowered and was bold enough to state what I might want out of the next phase of my life (yoga, warmth, diving, travel) - that’s because the pain was finally abating after 10 months and I could actually see the world in a rosy way again. Now? I read that blog post and feel gross / shameful - how could I ever think I have the abilities to pull something like that off? Who am I kidding, I can’t even walk.

Sometimes I vacillate towards positive thinking: I’m on my favorite island in the world, staying at a hotel that used to feel like home with a strong shower and nice bed, eating from all my favorite restaurants (who also deliver), buying prescription-strength muscle relaxers for $9 / no questions asked, and have enough friends here that if things went seriously south, I’d have someone to lean on. Plus, this is my view for writing this post while having a fresh ginger shake and croque madame.

Keep sending those healing hippie vibes to my lower back - but also my sciatic nerve as well.